Know What's Fucking Crazy?

Evolution.

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Over a period of more than 2 billion years, we’ve somehow evolved from cells, to fish, to mammals, to primates, to apes, to weird-looking human beings, to “normal-looking” human beings like the ones we live and work and have sex with.

2 billion years to go from a tiny little nothing speck of life, to a walking, talking, thinking, procreating person who stresses about the Tuesday morning meeting and listens to A Tribe Called Quest and wants to be interesting to people in bars and eats toasted raisin bagels with light veggie cream cheese on one side.

That, right there. That, is fucking crazy.

X-Rays.

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Ready to have your mind blown?

Within the earth we’re currently living on top of, a technology exists where we can stand in front of electromagnetic radiation, and then take a photograph of the bones inside our motherfucking bodies.

And the shit was discovered by accident?? Jesus!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Bowling.

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We go to a building, pay to put on ill-fitting, uncomfortable shoes, order pitchers of beer and greasy food, then proceed to stick our dirty-ass fingers inside a heavy-as-fuck ball, hold it to our chest, take a few well-paced steps on a slippery wood-planked stage, extend the ball back behind us to give off the effect we know what we’re doing, then rocket the ball forward and off of our fingertips down a narrow wooden lane towards ten oddly-shaped objects, hoping to knock down as many said objects as physically possible so we can mark down a score higher than the assclowns we’re renting the lane with.

I mean, am I nuts? Or is this shit completely fucking insane?

Monogamy.

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Monogamy has always struck me as a little strange.

I mean, when you get down to (boob-shaped) brass tacks, human beings just want to bang strange ass. It’s not more complicated than that. We enjoy and appreciate variety.

It’s natural to lust after other attractive members of the human race and it’s natural to want to stick your private parts inside of them, or vice-versa. Only you can’t.

WE WERE ALL EVOLUTIONARILY HARD-WIRED TO FEEL ONE WAY, BUT THE LAWS OF MODERN SOCIETY HAVE MADE US FIGHT AGAINST THAT WAY FOR OUR ENTIRE LIVES IN ORDER TO RETAIN ORDER. THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS, YOU GUYS.

Fuck ME. Literally. No, I’m kidding. I love my girlfriend and, all jokes aside, would never touch anyone else. But still. 

FUCK.

Pools.

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We bulldoze part of the earth in order to pour concrete into the hole, then fill the concrete casing with chlorinated, poison water in order to jump, dive, swim and play volleyball in when it’s hot outside.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME WITH THIS SHIT?

Groundhog Day.

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I know Groundhog Day was a few weeks ago, but since Harold Ramis, the heralded writer/director of the movie (and one of my all-time favorite satirists), died yesterday at the age of 69, I think it’s worth finally talking about how fucking insane this holiday truly is.

I’ll let Bill Murray’s Phil sum it up better (and with less expletives) than I ever could:

"This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You’re hypocrites, all of you!"

RIP, Harold. Comedy just lost a big one.

Volcanoes.

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What the fuck???!!!

All over the world, there are cone-shaped, hollow mountains that open into a pool of molten fucking rock below the surface of the earth like some sort of giant, magma-filled zit. And when these giant, magma-filled zits are under enough pressure, they pop, spewing gasses, rock and lava and shit through the air, terrorizing everything and everyone in their vicinity.

Stop fucking with me. Seriously.

You’re fucking with me, right?

Figure Skating.

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Every four years, people from cold-weather countries all over the earth converge on one city, put on excessive ball gowns and ridiculously tight suits and dance and spin around in a stadium full of frozen water, wearing shoes with a fucking knife bolted to the bottom.

And the entire time this is happening, no one watching is enjoying the “art” being created. They’re just hoping the performers don’t tumble to the ice and embarrass their country.

I’m sorry, what? I passed out for a second. What’s happening?

Flags.

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Jesus wind-blowing Christ this shit is weird.

I mean, think about it: As a way to symbolize themselves, every country, state and sports team on earth has its own specifically colored and designed, polyester/nylon-based piece of oblong material attached on one edge to a piece of rope on a pole and pulled up to the top to sit there and blow in the wind. 

I MEAN, FOR REAL. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

Spicy Food.

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Oh, what’s that, dog? Your eggs/burrito/pizza/wings aren’t flavorful enough? Here, let me POUR A MAGIC FUCKING BOTTLE OF SAUCE THAT WILL SET YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING MOUTH ON FIRE.

I mean, holy Christ. Foods that somehow have natural properties that create heat and burning sensations inside you? That shit is crazy as fuck.

Strippers.

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Wait. Hold up. Let’s just get this straight.

Grown men pay money to walk into a dark, loud, neon-lit club for the privilege of buying overpriced drinks and watching girls with self esteem issues slowly remove their clothes on a stage and pretend to like dancing exotically on and around a metal pole while getting dollar bills thrown at them by men there for the sole purpose of being aroused without ejaculating?

And for an additional amount of money, the girl will leave the stage and perform her exotic dance right in the lap of the benefactor, who, let’s not forget, is lawfully forbidden from fornicating with said woman and is instead paying to be purposefully cock-teased?

HOLY FUCKING BALLS THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY.

Penises.

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Welp. Might as well get this one over with, too.

If women are born with vaginas, the analogy goes, men are born with penises (penisii?). Like their soft, pink, tube-based female counterparts, penises are also used for peeing out of and sexing into.

Made of skin-covered erectile tissue with a mushroom-like tip containing a tiny hole at the end that looks like a single eye, when the owner of a penis is aroused, it’s flushed with blood and made stiffened in order to insert into the vagina in order to do its evolutionary duty and create another fucking human being.

HOLY VEINY COCK, that shit is crazy.

Vaginas.

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I mean, yeah. Wow.

Let’s just “get into” it, shall we… (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

People are usually born one of two ways: As a man or a woman. If you’re born a woman, you’re born with something called “a vagina,” which is a pink, elastic, tubular tract sex organ which you use to have sex, pee from (in the nearby urethra), and shit children out 9 months after a man’s semen is deposited inside it. 

Yeah. Pretty fucking crazy, this one. 

Email.

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Every day of the year, around the clock, I send and receive electronic messages to and from other human beings from a computing portal on my desk and a mini computer in my back right pocket. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about email in any great detail, but that shit is straight bonkers insane.

We send each other free electronic fucking letters, whenever the fuck we want, from wherever the fuck we want to send them. At all hours of the day and night.

Holy batshit FUCK, how does that work?