Know What's Fucking Crazy?

Deodorant.

Human beings sweat in a lot of places. Most notably in that gross little hair-covered crevice right where our arm meets our shoulder meets our ribs.

And guess what? By mid-day, that shit smells pretty foul.

So to mask the smell of our own natural foulness when we’re around other human beings, we invented a small semi-solid stick made of butane, aluminum chlorohydrate and other chemicals we’ve never heard of to rub under our arms and make it smell like Pure Sport or Arctic Force or Smooth Blast or Hawkridge Denali or some other crazy-sounding shit Old Spice is trying to sell us.

But before we can mash this craziness into our underarms, we need to get the kid with the key at CVS to come and unlock the case. 

Magazine Stories Continued At The End.

This is less of a “this is fucking crazy” and more of a “this is fucking annoying”, but here we go.

I mean, am I right? How much does it suck to be all into a magazine article, you’re at to the bottom of the 4th page in, and those awful, unnecessary words, “Continued on page 94” appear in shitty, parenthesised italics?

What the fuck is so difficult about keeping each story in its own little self-contained box of pages? Am I losing my fucking mind? You’re asking me to cross over to the end past all the other shit I want to read, finish my story, then go back to my dog-eared page to continue reading, then continue the process all over again when the next story is continued at the end? 

Fuck YOU.

Headphones.

Ok. Stay with me for a second. We invented this incredible thing called music that we can record and then pump into the air through speakers whenever we want. But when we’re in a public place or just want to horde that shit for ourselves, we put smaller, foam-covered speakers into or over our ear holes, plug them into a music machine via wires, and literally shove the music inside our brains.

Fucking.

Headphones.

Models.

Holy. Motherloving. Fuck.

Dude. How fucking crazy absurd is it that companies actually seek out tall, skinny, uniquely (but subjectively) beautiful-looking humans and pay them money to put on specific clothes, then take pictures of them in order to show off how good they look to all the fat, ugly, boring people of the world?

Sports Drafts.

Like, what the fuck?

Every year we seriously have a huge televised business transaction on primetime TV, where young college students (many of whom haven’t graduated) are called dibs on by men in suits representing professional sports organizations in an orderly fashion, one by one, until all the good players are gone?

That shit is straight fucking caraaaazy.

Wax Museums.

Um. What?

Sword Fighting.

To all you over-amped Game of Thrones nerds out there, I only have one thing to say:

Fucking FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

PS: Click and enjoy.

Married Women Changing Their Name.

Listen. I’m an old-fashioned dude. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman taking her husband’s last name as a way to solidify their matrimonial bond and officially begin building a new family together.

But even I think the whole idea of this is weird.

I mean, have you ever given any thought to just how fucking preposterous this shit is?

Car Alarms.

Is there a more loud, annoying, completely fucking awful (but necessary) invention than the modern car alarm system?

Is there anything worse than Tuesday morning at 2am and someone’s alarm goes off for 5 full, never-ending fucking minutes?

The answer to both of these questions is ‘no.’

March Madness.

Even the fucking name of this motherfucker has the word “madness” in it.

I think we can all agree that what’s about to go down over the next 3 absurd, upset-fueled, no rhyme or reason-filled weeks is gonna be completely off-the-chart fucking nuts.

Knives.

Am I losing my fucking mind or something?

Tens of thousands of years ago, we actually created long pieces of sharp-as-fuck-edged steel with a pointy end in order to slice up fruits, vegetables and animals so we can put parts of these things into our mouths so we can eat them so we don’t die.

Not to mention we can also use these pieces of sharp steel as protection against other human beings by using them as stabbing devices.

I dunno about you, but that, right there, is fucking insane.

St. Patrick’s Day

Every year on or around March 17th, young people all over the world dress up in green shirts and ridiculous hats while getting completely shithoused drunk on Guinness and Jameson to celebrate a holiday they have absolutely no fucking clue about.

Yep. That about sums it up.

The Pope.

HAS EVERYBODY LOST THEIR MOTHERFUCKING MINDS?

I seriously feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Who fucking cares which old white man puts on a weird hat and plays CEO to a billion peoples’ weirdass, backwards-thinking religious beliefs?

Daylight Savings Time.

Two times every year at 2AM on a specific Saturday in late winter and mid fall, North Americans and Europeans turn their clocks forward one hour or backwards one hour, respectively, in order to “save daylight.”

What?

We seriously do this twice a year? All so we have more daylight in the evening than we would normally have if we left our clocks the fuck alone? This is actually a thing people do? And it’s not like you can choose if you want to do it. You fucking have to do it or you’ll basically be shunned from society. 

ALSO, WHAT IF YOU DIDN’T GET THE CHANGE-YOUR-CLOCK FORWARD MEMO AND MISS AN IMPORTANT MONDAY MORNING MEETING? WHAT THE FUCK THEN?

Humor.

I mean, honestly. Where do I even fucking begin?

How do you begin to define, describe or discuss the solely human feeling of finding something funny?

What is it about weird, ironic situations, or the way someone says something, gives a look or makes a joke, that makes our brain force our stomach muscles to contract and expel short, vowel-like notes from inside our body? What is so funny about people falling down and seriously injuring themselves? (Because holy fuck that shit is always funny)

Why does the above picture tickle something inside us in a way that’s not even possible to properly articulate?

What the fuck is humor?