Know What's Fucking Crazy?

Accents.

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So you and I both speak English, only you grew up on a medium-sized island off the coast of Europe and I grew up in a continent-spanning country 3,000 miles across the ocean, and now we pronounce the exact same sentences with totally different inflections and emphases that may or may not make one of us sound like a douche? 

And people in different regions within our own countries pronounce the same sentences totally differently, just because the people they grew up around pronounced it that way?

What in the bloody FUCK is going on.

A Year.

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Holy. Fucking. Christ.

In 365 days from now the earth will be the exact same distance from the sun and the weather in your geographic area will be almost exactly how it is now.

And this never. Fucking. Changes. 

Supermarkets.

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During life, human beings need lots of things. Things like tomatoes. And dish detergent. And oatmeal. And condoms. And Lean Cuisine.

And where do we go to find all these life essentials?

To a huge structure within driving distance of our house, full of dozens of rows of shelves with tens of thousands of non-perishable packaged good product bullshit and an outer ring stocked with meat, dairy and produce that will all be inedible within three days.

If you’ve ever found yourself walking aimlessly inside this structure, pushing a cart made of metal bar cages past a shelf with 150 varieties of toothpaste on it and thinking to yourself, “holy shit, I am in an insane fucking place right now,” you are not alone.

I have, too.

TV shows.

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At the same time every week, we return to the same spot on the couch, turn on our TV and turn off our brains in order to get sucked into the lives of a bunch of human beings pretending to be other human beings living in a more exciting time and place and story (and sometimes universe) than the one we’re currently inhabiting.

And even thought we know these people are professional actors paid to trick us, we don’t give a shit. We suspend belief and hang on every move they make.

If that’s not certifiably batshit fucking absurd, I’m not sure what is.

Tickling.

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I’ve always hated being tickled.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that someone other than me is taking their grubby fucking fingers and pulsating them all over my motherfucking stomach and armpits in order to cause me to make involuntarily twitching movements and laugh uncomfortably while asking, then begging, then pleading for this dickhead to stop.

Seriously. That shit right there? The fucking worst.

Rollercoasters.

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Well, fuck me in the brain.

We pay money to wait on an hours-long line, all so we can strap into a rapidly-moving vehicle attached to rails that gets plummeted, rocketed and twisted through every physical-bending G-force tomfuckery mankind (working in collaboration with gravity) has to offer?

K, cool. Just checking.

Plays.

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Like, what the FUCK?!

We pay money to gain access to a theatre where we’re told to silence our phones and sit quietly in the dark in order to watch human beings sing and dance and pretend to be people they’re not, while jumping around on a stage in front of us dressed in ridiculous costumes and acting like there’s absolutely nothing crazy at all about this completely fucking absurd event.

Hold on. I think my head is going to explode.

Braces.

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Wait. Hold up.

Since tens of millions of rich first-world teenagers are born with crooked teeth and society tells us straight teeth make us more attractive, there is an entire industry built on gluing metal clamps onto these teeth, then meticulously pulling them straight by periodically tightening a motherfucking wire?

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Las Vegas.

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In the middle of the Mojave Desert is an entire city custom-built for human beings to travel to and act sinful inside of.

Like, holy fucking hell. Do the laws of the decency universe not apply to this patch of earth?

Gambling, prostitution, alcohol and illicit drug-use, Wayne Newton, pre-marital sex resulting from grinding to Avicii with a trashy bridesmaid-to-be from Indiana who’s dressed in the sluttiest dress she can physically fit into while rolling on molly in an overpriced, overhyped club you waited 2 hours to enter—all of it is completely, certifiably, motherfucking bonkers.

Sweet Christ, what an awful, evil place. 

Evolution.

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Over a period of more than 2 billion years, we’ve somehow evolved from cells, to fish, to mammals, to primates, to apes, to weird-looking human beings, to normal-looking human beings like the ones we live and work and have sex with.

2 billion years to go from a tiny little nothing speck of life, to a walking, talking, thinking, procreating person who stresses about the Tuesday morning meeting and listens to A Tribe Called Quest and wants to be interesting to people in bars and eats toasted raisin bagels with light veggie cream cheese on one side.

That, right there. That, is fucking crazy.

X-Rays.

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Ready to have your mind blown?

Within the earth we’re currently living on top of, a technology exists where we can stand in front of electromagnetic radiation, and then take a photograph of the bones inside our motherfucking bodies.

And the shit was discovered by accident?? Jesus!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Bowling.

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We go to a building, pay to put on ill-fitting, uncomfortable shoes, order pitchers of beer and greasy food, then proceed to stick our dirty-ass fingers inside a heavy-as-fuck ball, hold it to our chest, take a few well-paced steps on a slippery wood-planked stage, extend the ball back behind us to give off the effect we know what we’re doing, then rocket the ball forward and off of our fingertips down a narrow wooden lane towards ten oddly-shaped objects, hoping to knock down as many said objects as physically possible so we can mark down a score higher than the assclowns we’re renting the lane with.

I mean, am I nuts? Or is this shit completely fucking insane?

Monogamy.

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Monogamy has always struck me as a little strange.

I mean, when you get down to (boob-shaped) brass tacks, human beings just want to bang strange ass. It’s not more complicated than that. We enjoy and appreciate variety.

It’s natural to lust after other attractive members of the human race and it’s natural to want to stick your private parts inside of them, or vice-versa. Only you can’t.

WE WERE ALL EVOLUTIONARILY HARD-WIRED TO FEEL ONE WAY, BUT THE LAWS OF MODERN SOCIETY HAVE MADE US FIGHT AGAINST THAT WAY FOR OUR ENTIRE LIVES IN ORDER TO RETAIN ORDER. THAT’S FUCKING MADNESS, YOU GUYS.

Fuck ME. Literally. No, I’m kidding. I love my girlfriend and, all jokes aside, would never touch anyone else. But still. 

FUCK.

Pools.

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We bulldoze part of the earth in order to pour concrete into the ensuing hole, then fill the concrete casing with chlorinated, poison water in order to jump, dive, swim and play volleyball in when it’s hot outside.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME WITH THIS SHIT?