Know What's Fucking Crazy?: Archive

Know What's Fucking Crazy?

May 2012

7 posts

No, I’m not talking about the Sting band, you asshat. I mean the actual motherfucking police department. How nutty is it we actually pool a portion of our tax money together in order to hire regular human beings to watch over us and keep us safe? We arm these people with weird blue uniforms, funny hats, guns, handcuffs and souped-up Ford Crown Victorias, and give them the ability to give...

I’m gonna do my best to keep this PG, but seriously. How fucking nutty is the fact men have two soft, squishy balls hanging in a sagging skin sack behind their cocks? And inside each ball is the life-giving magic potion called sperm that keeps the human race keeping on. Also, one of them hangs lower than the other. Excuse me while I smack an open palm against my face. Because holy shit...

Like, have you ever just looked at someone wearing sunglasses and had the realization we’ve taken a utility that keeps the sun from blinding our eyes, and turned it into a douchey fashionista item people pay hundreds of dollars for? Because I just did.

Holy Mother of Fuck. Think about what a gun fucking is, dude. It’s this piece of molded, hollowed-out metal with the ability to cause a mini, high-pressurized explosion inside it that’s so forceful, it can actually make a tiny ball of arched metal propel out into the air with the sole purpose of wounding and/or killing someone or something by puncturing its skin and hitting vital...

So we’ve created this pill that pumps a woman with all sorts of hormones that completely and temporarily shut down her ability to get pregnant. So she can have unprotected sexual encounters all she wants, and there’s more than a 99% chance of no baby. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE THINKING??! ARE WE ALL FUCKING INSANE??! There is no way on earth saying “fuck you” to nature like...

Adam Yauch, of the Beastie Boys, died today of cancer. He was 47. Death is one of those heavy certainties of life we’ll all eventually be forced to experience for ourselves, no matter how rich, how famous, how loved we are. There is no escape. There is no way out or back. There is only forward. And no one legitimately knows what “forward” entails. Most of us go through life...

OK. Just think about this shit for a second. At some point in the history of humanity, someone came up with the idea to add fucking wheels to fucking shoes. Like, “Dude! Yes! Why walk places when you can fucking skate there? I’m going to be so rich. And DUDE… Duuuuuude, later on, we can turn the skates into blades. Holy effing shit, this is awesome.” And… scene.

April 2012

11 posts

Last night we saw Jiro Dreams of Sushi, the documentary about an elderly Japanese man widely considered to be the world’s greatest sushi chef. I can’t recommend it enough. Anyway, I had the realization sushi might be the craziest food in existence. I mean, think about that shit: People go out into the ocean and catch these living, breathing, moving things, pull then out, suffocate...

Dogs Sniffing Butts.

Like, why? How many times per day do we see two dogs pass each other on the street, and, after the initial calming leash pull as they inch towards each other, they both go directly for a nice long, good old-fashioned 69-style ass-sniff. And it’s funny every single fucking time. Because it’s weird every single fucking time.

Hey, some of us have trouble seeing. No big deal. But because we have trouble seeing, someone in history decided to take two thin pieces of magnified glass and jam them into a frame that then sits in the middle of our face above our nose, hanging on behind our ears. And we look through these pieces of glass, and they help us see better. We’ve even made them into fashion. The next time...

You’re walking on the street and you’re hungry. But your favorite ramen place only takes cash. So you stop at a giant machine jutting out of the side of a building onto the sidewalk, pull out a piece of checking card plastic, slide it into a slot, punch a couple keys, begrudgingly accept the $1.99 fee for the service, and with a little whir, crisp dollar bills pump out into the world...

Following the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival in Indio, CA last weekend, there was a lot of internet hoopla over a life-sized hologram of Tupac Shakur projected onstage during Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s headlining, concert-closing performance. Like, are you fucking joking me? Fucking holograms? We live in a time and world where fun-loving scientists can not only beam fucking...

So you and I have the same mom and dad. And our parents got together and created me. Then they got together on an entirely separate occasion a couple years later and created you. Then on another occasion, they created another one of us. And even though we are three, totally different people, because it was the same two people who got together to create each of us, we share genes, the way we...

I don’t really like calling out specific foods. But what in the holy fucking hell is up with eating raw oysters? Fishermen go out into shallow parts of the ocean, lower nets into the water and scoop up big piles of these rough, rocky-looking mollusk delicacies. Then they bring them to land and sell them to restaurants where they’re shucked open with knifes, placed on a bed of...

I mean, seriously? How fucking nutty is going to the dentist’s office? You arrive at this antiseptic, mint and latex-smelling building, fill out a few forms, throw down your insurance card, they plop you into a special chair, cover the top of your chest with some weird white paper, stick a gigantic light in your face, then grown adults take sharp metal tools and tiny mirrors and poke...

“April is the cruelest month” is the first line of T.S. Eliot’s 1922 poem, The Waste Land. I agree. But I also think it’s the craziest month. Think about it. April falls in this strange time every year characterized by how strange it is: hot and cold, sunshine and rain, nice and mean, bits of winter and spring and summer, all rolled into one cock-teasingly weird 30-day...

So, yeah. Pretty windy in NYC today. The kind when it’s beautiful out, and the motherfucking wind ruins it. What the eff is wind anyway? Dude, chill out and let me tell you. It’s this powerful, invisible force of gases that push against us and the things in our world. We can’t see it, smell it or taste it. Really light things, like paper and candy wrappers, get blown the...

A very good religious friend of mine suggested this topic. And although we differ on the subject of religion and its place in a modern, educated society, I obliged. So how about it? How fucking crazy is it that 66 books (39 in the Old Testament, 27 in the new), written by 40 different men, over a 1,500-year span, all fit together to tell a somewhat consistent story that’s guided the...

March 2012

12 posts

Sweet God Almighty. We seek out a convenience store to hand over a portion of our hard-earned money for slips of paper denoting the 1-in-a-176,000,000-shot at never having to work a job ever again, buying everyone in our families mansions, donating a buttload to charity and living out the rest of our numbered days on this earth in a fantasy existence of gluttonous ease and prosperity. Good...

Musical Instruments.

In honor of banjo legend, Earl Scruggs’ passing, I’d like to offer up a nice, hearty “How fucking crazy are music instruments, y’all?” Seriously. How crazy is that shit? We take pieces of wood, brass or stingy metal and mold them into these pieces of equipment that we then pluck, blow into or bang on to make beautiful, emotion-inducing sound out of. Have you...

Spectator Sports.

There’s a reason it’s called March Madness. As the Final Four games get set to be played this weekend, I can’t help but think about how fucking crazy it is to put grown men or women (or, in the case of high school or college athletes, still growing men and women) out on a floor surrounded by tens of thousands of screaming people, and have them play a game. I just can’t...

So everyone’s totally fine with the fact we have these giant flat black electrical screens that we can power on and use to broadcast live sounds and moving pictures from all over the world—all into one place in our home? And some crazy brilliant other-world genius actually invented this shit over 80 years ago? WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

Jesus doggypaddling Christ. We have the ability to actually submerge our bodies in this clear, odorless, colorless liquid, move around in it and even float in it. And we’ve even made sports out of powering ourselves through it in the fastest time. If that’s not fucking crazy, I don’t know what is. As summer gets nearer, the weather gets warmer and swimming pools get filled,...

Grown adults put down cash in return for clay chips that they then place on a felt table and wager against other grown adults, or a single adult representing a monstrous, multi-million-or-billion-dollar corporation called a casino. And this is all under the guise of playing fucking games.

I was in New Orleans for a bachelor party this weekend. It was St. Patrick’s Day, in the middle of March Madness, during Spring Break. Shit got weird. Does anyone have the balls to name a crazier piece of land on the entire face of the fucking planet than Bourbon Street? That place is a textbook definition of certifiably insane. It’s a single strip of dozens of bars and strip clubs...

You must be goddamn kidding with this one, God. Worldwide, almost everyone has black or brown hair. Blondes are the next most common, followed by 100,000 miles of nothing, then, at the bottom, 1-2% of the population has red hair. First of all, why is it called “red” hair? I’m not a doctor or anything, but isn’t that shit “orange”? If I were to hold a Coke...

It was over 70 degrees in New York City yesterday. This unseasonable weather got me thinking not about the idea of heat per se, but rather the feeling of warmth. That sensation of comfort on your body brought on by that first warm day in early spring. Or when you curl up in bed under covers and shield yourself from the cold. Like, what is this feeling I’m feeling? What the...

When we get cold, or we experience a super-strong emotion like fear, pleasure or arousal, the skin at the base of our hair follicles forms tiny bumps and the hair stands up on end. Say what? That is incredibly fucking crazy.

Holy effing balls. Spinning blades that cut through the air so fast they can actually keep a 1-ton machine up in the air for hours at a time? Shit’s caaaaaraaaaazy.

Somewhere along the line of history, some douchebag fashionista thought to him or herself, “Hey, know what would look fucking rad? A single strip of useless colored fabric wrapped around men’s necks and hanging down the middle of their chests! Yeah! It’ll make men look formal and impressionable, like they give a shit! Yes! I’ve fucking done it! YESSSSSSS!!!!” What...

February 2012

17 posts

Am I blowing your fucking mind right now? What in the fuck is this clear, foamy, slippery liquid inside our mouths? We just create this shit out of thin air to help us swallow? Next time you wake up and pull your face away from your pillow and there’s a wet spot of drool, think about for a few seconds, then move on with your life.

Every day between the months of September and June, starting as early as age 2, parents leave their children at a building away from home with complete strangers for 6+ hours. School is insane, dude. You go sit in this structure and learn about everything in the fucking world. Inside this building you’re taught how to spell, how to read, how to count, how to think, how numbers work, what...

Yep. This is happening. I saw Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life in the theatre last night. And, after taking a shower to rid myself of the self-indulgent horse jizz that had covered me during those 2 hours of discombobulation, beauty and boredom, I got to thinking about God. Like, how fucking absurdly crazy is that concept? The idea there is this omnipotent thing in existence that not only...

I was walking to work today and on the sidewalk near my office I saw a used hypodermic needle. Seeing something so intimately gross made me think. How in the fuck did we create these things? A hundred-fifty years ago, someone somewhere had the idea to invent this thin, tiny, sharp-as-shit hollow tube connected to a syringe in order to inject fluid into peoples’ bodies or remove their...

Refrigerators/Freezers.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but our species has invented air-conditioned electric boxes that keep food from spoiling by stopping or stalling the reproduction of bacteria. What kind of crazy-ass rocket scientists realized the potential of that, then figured out a way to make this technology accessible and affordable to almost every household in the world? Have you ever brought home some...

Like, holy shit. How fucking crazy is it that every 5 days, we’re given a couple days off to do absolutely nothing? 5 days on—working for the man, punching a card, staring at a computer monitor, dealing with commutes and delayed trains and co-workers, and 2 days off—working for ourselves, doing chores, catching up on sleep, eating brunch with friends, watching TV on the couch, shopping,...

In general, every morning after we wake up, take a shower, towel off and put on clothing, we slide two thin, cylindrical cotton-based matching sleeves onto the bottom parts of our bodies so they cover our feet. Then we place shoes onto our feet and we leave. Am I fucking crazy? Or is that fucking crazy?

Valentine's Day.

On the same day every mid-February, we actually observe a Holiday devoted solely to expressing our love to a significant other in the form of going out to overpriced prix-fixe dinners, trading greeting cards, chocolate, flowers and jewelry, and probably having sex. Society, you’ve lost your motherfucking mind.

So all these animals were once here on earth, and now they’re not. And they can never come back. And there are actually animals here today that are at risk of leaving the planet for good. Wait, what? Are we all just okay with this? Why the fuck are there no more of these particular animals? Evolution? Darwinism? Magic? WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO, WOOLLY MAMMOTH?

Skiing/Snowboarding.

Alright, everyone. Let’s try to remain calm and take this one step-by-step. In the wintertime (or summer, for our Southern Hemisphere readers (G’day!)), white people enjoy putting on overpriced jackets, helmets, goggles and special boots, and strapping these boots in to slick slabs made of wood, plastic and metal. Then they like driving to a mountain with snow on it, paying $89 for...

New York City’s sanitation commissioner says there were about 40 tons of paper showered on the New York football Giants during their Super Bowl victory parade up The Canyon of Heroes yesterday afternoon. If our entire species was up for review by some kind of galactic insanity board, confetti would probably be case-in-point #1. Manufacturing a bunch of colorful fucking trash to drop through the...

Jesus motherloving Christ. We covered cellphones a while back. But these motherfuckers are a whole ‘nother beast. Remember back when people would say how one day we’ll have computers in our pockets? Well, that day came about 5 years ago. Literally anything my computer can do, my phone can do. Plus it makes phonecalls. And the thing is 5” x “2 x .3” and weighs 5...

Yeah, this one’s tough. I know why we have toilet paper. I get it. Lord knows I’ve used it once or twice in my time. But still, the next time you’re finished expelling a bunch of brown, smelly shit from your asshole into a bowl of flushable water, reach over to rip off a few pieces of thin, soft white tissue paper on a roll, and use it to cover your fingers as you reach...

The Super Bowl.

Every mid-Winter, half the United States and millions around the world tune in to watch two American cities play a single football game. A large percentage of these people watch as an excuse to eat wings while overly self-aware advertisers try to sell them stuff under the guise of making them crack up with nut shots, animals acting like humans, celebrities embarrassing themselves, babies,...

Wow. Just. Wow. The simplest, most obvious idea in the history of the web that no one else could have thought of or perfected until now: a combination phonebook/information exchange hub where everyone on earth with an internet connection can talk and share with their friends by typing and clicking buttons. It’s just one, giant grid. And if you’re not registered, you’re off...

So, after being on this earth a certain number of years (anywhere between 11 and 16), every single one of us will go through an insane period where we morph from children into adults. And it’s all in service of granting us the ability to now create offspring. Like, holy fucking hell. Pubes? Boobs growing? Voice deepening? Balls dropping? Acne? B.O.? Periods? Morning wood? Orgasms?...

Like, have we all lost our fucking minds? We pay people tens of millions of dollars to act, dress and talk like other people. Then we film it, edit it, and make it into movies or TV shows (or put them on a stage in front of an audience). And other people come to watch it, and they know it’s fake, but they still pretend it’s real. Is that not the most ridiculously ludicrous fucking...

January 2012

22 posts

So get this shit: Several years ago, your mother and father got together, had sex, and nine months later, you were born into the world. If you go back just one generation, a total of four people were responsible for your parents being born. If you go back five generations, 62 people are responsible for you being here today. And if one was different, you wouldn’t be you. What kind of batshit...

I recently developed shingles from the stress of trying to find a new apartment in New York City combined with no days off from work in the month of January. Let me just say this: shingles fucking suck. Although my case is mild and looks nothing like anything you’ll Google-image-search, it hurts like a bitch and is by far the weirdest sickness I’ve ever had. That said, what the...

What do we do with our loved ones when they’re no longer physically here? We put them in a wooden, decomposable box, lower it 6 feet into the earth, cover it up, plant grass over it and wedge in a giant slab of rock with the person’s name and dates of lifespan carved into it. And this is all done on plots of land specifically designed to hold thousands of dead human beings for all...