February 2012
17 posts
Saliva.
Am I blowing your fucking mind right now?
What in the fuck is this clear, foamy, slippery liquid inside our mouths? We just create this shit out of thin air to help us swallow?
Next time you wake up and pull your face away from your pillow and there’s a wet spot of drool, think about for a few seconds, then move on with your life.
School.
Every day between the months of September and June, starting as early as age 2, parents leave their children at a building away from home with complete strangers for 6+ hours.
School is insane, dude. You go sit in this structure and learn about everything in the fucking world. Inside this building you’re taught how to spell, how to read, how to count, how to think, how numbers work, what...
God.
Yep. This is happening.
I saw Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life in the theatre last night. And, after taking a shower to rid myself of the self-indulgent horse jizz that had covered me during those 2 hours of discombobulation, beauty and boredom, I got to thinking about God.
Like, how fucking absurdly crazy is that concept? The idea there is this omnipotent thing in existence that not only...
Needles.
I was walking to work today and on the sidewalk near my office I saw a used hypodermic needle. Seeing something so intimately gross made me think.
How in the fuck did we create these things?
A hundred-fifty years ago, someone somewhere had the idea to invent this thin, tiny, sharp-as-shit hollow tube connected to a syringe in order to inject fluid into peoples’ bodies or remove their...
Refrigerators/Freezers.
Not sure if you’ve heard, but our species has invented air-conditioned electric boxes that keep food from spoiling by stopping or stalling the reproduction of bacteria.
What kind of crazy-ass rocket scientists realized the potential of that, then figured out a way to make this technology accessible and affordable to almost every household in the world?
Have you ever brought home some...
Weekends.
Like, holy shit. How fucking crazy is it that every 5 days, we’re given a couple days off to do absolutely nothing?
5 days on—working for the man, punching a card, staring at a computer monitor, dealing with commutes and delayed trains and co-workers, and 2 days off—working for ourselves, doing chores, catching up on sleep, eating brunch with friends, watching TV on the couch, shopping,...
Socks.
In general, every morning after we wake up, take a shower, towel off and put on clothing, we slide two thin, cylindrical cotton-based matching sleeves onto the bottom parts of our bodies so they cover our feet. Then we place shoes onto our feet and we leave.
Am I fucking crazy?
Or is that fucking crazy?
Valentine's Day.
On the same day every mid-February, we actually observe a Holiday devoted solely to expressing our love to a significant other in the form of going out to overpriced prix-fixe dinners, trading greeting cards, chocolate, flowers and jewelry, and probably having sex.
Society, you’ve lost your motherfucking mind.
Extinction.
So all these animals were once here on earth, and now they’re not. And they can never come back. And there are actually animals here today that are at risk of leaving the planet for good.
Wait, what?
Are we all just okay with this? Why the fuck are there no more of these particular animals? Evolution? Darwinism? Magic?
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO, WOOLLY MAMMOTH?
Skiing/Snowboarding.
Alright, everyone. Let’s try to remain calm and take this one step-by-step.
In the wintertime (or summer, for our Southern Hemisphere readers (G’day!)), white people enjoy putting on overpriced jackets, helmets, goggles and special boots, and strapping these boots in to slick slabs made of wood, plastic and metal. Then they like driving to a mountain with snow on it, paying $89 for...
Confetti.
New York City’s sanitation commissioner says there were about 40 tons of paper showered on the New York football Giants during their Super Bowl victory parade up The Canyon of Heroes yesterday afternoon.
If our entire species was up for review by some kind of galactic insanity board, confetti would probably be case-in-point #1. Manufacturing a bunch of colorful fucking trash to drop through the...
Smartphones.
Jesus motherloving Christ.
We covered cellphones a while back. But these motherfuckers are a whole ‘nother beast.
Remember back when people would say how one day we’ll have computers in our pockets? Well, that day came about 5 years ago. Literally anything my computer can do, my phone can do. Plus it makes phonecalls. And the thing is 5” x “2 x .3” and weighs 5...
Toilet Paper.
Yeah, this one’s tough.
I know why we have toilet paper. I get it. Lord knows I’ve used it once or twice in my time.
But still, the next time you’re finished expelling a bunch of brown, smelly shit from your asshole into a bowl of flushable water, reach over to rip off a few pieces of thin, soft white tissue paper on a roll, and use it to cover your fingers as you reach...
The Super Bowl.
Every mid-Winter, half the United States and millions around the world tune in to watch two American cities play a single football game. A large percentage of these people watch as an excuse to eat wings while overly self-aware advertisers try to sell them stuff under the guise of making them crack up with nut shots, animals acting like humans, celebrities embarrassing themselves, babies,...
Facebook.
Wow. Just. Wow.
The simplest, most obvious idea in the history of the web that no one else could have thought of or perfected until now: a combination phonebook/information exchange hub where everyone on earth with an internet connection can talk and share with their friends by typing and clicking buttons. It’s just one, giant grid. And if you’re not registered, you’re off...
Puberty.
So, after being on this earth a certain number of years (anywhere between 11 and 16), every single one of us will go through an insane period where we morph from children into adults. And it’s all in service of granting us the ability to now create offspring.
Like, holy fucking hell. Pubes? Boobs growing? Voice deepening? Balls dropping? Acne? B.O.? Periods? Morning wood? Orgasms?...
Acting.
Like, have we all lost our fucking minds?
We pay people tens of millions of dollars to act, dress and talk like other people. Then we film it, edit it, and make it into movies or TV shows (or put them on a stage in front of an audience). And other people come to watch it, and they know it’s fake, but they still pretend it’s real.
Is that not the most ridiculously ludicrous fucking...
January 2012
22 posts
Ancestry.
So get this shit: Several years ago, your mother and father got together, had sex, and nine months later, you were born into the world. If you go back just one generation, a total of four people were responsible for your parents being born. If you go back five generations, 62 people are responsible for you being here today. And if one was different, you wouldn’t be you.
What kind of batshit...
Getting Sick.
I recently developed shingles from the stress of trying to find a new apartment in New York City combined with no days off from work in the month of January.
Let me just say this: shingles fucking suck. Although my case is mild and looks nothing like anything you’ll Google-image-search, it hurts like a bitch and is by far the weirdest sickness I’ve ever had.
That said, what the...
Cemeteries.
What do we do with our loved ones when they’re no longer physically here?
We put them in a wooden, decomposable box, lower it 6 feet into the earth, cover it up, plant grass over it and wedge in a giant slab of rock with the person’s name and dates of lifespan carved into it.
And this is all done on plots of land specifically designed to hold thousands of dead human beings for all...
Itches.
What’s crazier than a painless but uncomfortable sensation on your body that makes you reflexively want to dig your nails and fingertips into yourself just to relieve the feeling of that sensation?
Fucking nothing. Shut up. Jesus.
Twins.
There are actually people in the world with brothers and/or sisters who were born the same day as them and look exactly alike.
Is that a fucking joke?
Voice.
When I move my mouth and tongue and push air over the vibrations in my throat muscles, I can actually force out sounds that other human beings who speak my language can understand.
What. The fuck.
Birth.
The most profound thing in the universe isn’t time, or religion, or even death. It’s the fact that one minute you’re a drip on the end of your dad’s dick, and 9 months later you’re literally flung out into the world (covered in blood and amniotic fluid), dazed, stupid and oblivious to everything in the fucking universe.
And the craziest part?
We die pretty much...
Hot Dogs.
Listen. I loves me a tasty dog. But let’s all take a collective step back and think about what this big, plump, delicious cock full of meat we’re biting down on really is.
They take a perfectly good animal (or two or three), remove all the good parts, and stuff the leftovers into a log chipper-type machine. They add food starch, salt, corn syrup, water and 11 herbs and spices and...
Censorship.
Today, January 18th, 2012, will be the largest internet protest in history. Thousands of sites across the internet, including some of the biggest in the world, will be blacking out and directing people to contact Congress to kill the web censorship bill, SOPA and PIPA.
In just 7 days, the Senate will vote on forever altering the free and open internet by instituting a new regime of...
Contact Lenses.
There’s nothing like slapping a thin slice of rubber on top of your motherfucking eyeball to help you see clearly and really make you think about the absurdity of life itself. Not to mention how far we’ve come as a species.
Who in the hell was the first trailblazing, terrified son of a bitch to test that shit out?
Bravo, you.
Federal Holidays.
Federal holidays are a strange beast, man.
On specific days of the year, or even specific days of the month (the third Monday in January, for example), almost every Government and white collar worker in the United States has off from work in celebration of a great American’s birth, great American event, or religious event.
Basically, I’m sitting here in my boxers, typing this out...
Canyons.
Seriously. The ground was all normal and even and then one day some water starts streaming in and doesn’t stop. The water keeps flowing and flowing, for millions of years, until BOOM! A gigantic fucking beautiful hole in the earth is formed.
What?
Credit Cards.
You mean to tell me these logo-ized slices of plastic in our wallets give us access to pretty much anything in the world we could think of buying?
And all we have to do is swipe them in a fucking machine? And then we pay for it all later in one lump sum by clicking a button on a computer?
Are we all insane? How is that possible?
Art.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Horses.
Ah. Horses. Another animal that deserves to be called out for its existence of pure absurdity.
When most us look at horses, we see mobile transport vehicles with flat backs we slap a fucking saddle on and ride on top of or use to pull a wagon or bet on in races.
But in reality, it’s just a muscular, majestic creature that can move very fast and has a low body fat percentage.
Honestly,...
Tongues.
Oh, sweet God.
Ever given that big, bulging pink muscle inside your mouth more than 2 seconds of thought?
Of course you haven’t. Neither have I. That’s why today’s our lucky fucking day.
Our tongues give us the ability to taste, swallow and talk. And on top of all that, we can swing them around our mouths just by telling our brain to make it happen.
What kind of batshit...
Race.
At the risk of sounding like an ignorant, insensitive asshole, I’m going to attempt to dissect one of the most storied, misunderstood causes of tension in humanity’s long existence.
When you think about it, race is just fucking weird, dudes.
The idea human beings are made of the exact same thing on the inside, but on the outside, our skin colors can be different, or our hair can be...
Shaving.
So just to make sure we’re all on the same page— most mornings, men walk into their bathrooms, wet their faces over the sink, slather lubricating cream or gel all over the bottom half and run tiny fucking razor blades above and below their jawline to remove the hair that grows there every day.
Fucking. A.
Cheese.
Well, feck.
Don’t really know what to say about cheese. It’s just, fucking, cheese.
Coagulated, solidified milk that comes in hundreds of varieties and tastes incredible on sandwiches and crackers and pizza and 50 million other foods.
What the fuck is up, cheese? What are you? How did we figure out how to make you?
Where did you come from, you stank tasty bitch?
Ageing.
You know that saying, “The day we’re born is the day we start to die”?
Yeah. It’s true.
The next time you see a baby, walk over to her, look down, and think about this: That baby is slowly dying. And so are you. And so is everything and everyone alive.
Happy Humpday, everyone!
Haircuts.
So I got a haircut a few days ago.
Yeah. Pretty weird.
Because the entire time I sat there in that shiny swivel chair, staring in the mirror at myself staring in the mirror at an old Cuban barber running his fingers through strands of filamentous biomaterial jutting out of the top of my head, slicing off pieces with scissors and shaving off big clumps with clippers, all I could think was, what...
New Year's.
You know what? New Year’s is fucking crazy.
Not just the parties and the fireworks and the champagne and the overall celebration of it, but the idea that, on paper, at a specific second in each of the 24 time zones worldwide, one year officially ends and another officially begins.
As you nurse your second-day-hangover and reflect on the number of pounds of fat you want to rid from your body in...
December 2011
15 posts
Zits.
What’s with that shit on your face, dude?
Zits are like these weird little pink and white mountains that grow from up out of our skin when oil gets in our pores.
And you know what happens if you push your fingers against each side of these mountains? The mountain breaks open and erupts in cathartic bliss, and runny, off-white pus that was just inside your fucking face flows out.
If...
Stand-Up Comedy.
This weekend I paid $5 to download Louis C.K.’s comedy video, Live at The Beacon Theatre.
Around 3 minutes into the performance, I was struck with the notion that giving money to sit in a chair and listen to a lone human being stand on a spot-lit stage for an hour and talk about things or tell stories in a funny way that entertains us or makes us smile or laugh or think about things is...
The Song Summer Girls, by LFO
New Kids On The block
Had a bunch of hits,
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer,
For the summer.
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I’d take her if I had one wish,
But she’s been gone since that summer,
Since that summer.
We are so fucked.
Smiling.
So, to show others we are happy, pleased or find something humorous, we flex the muscles around the edges of our mouth and show our teeth?
And this is a natural, innate thing every single culture on earth does, regardless of when or where we are born?
What in the fuck is that all about?
Elephants.
I’m not a big fan of calling attention to particular animals, but fucking elephants? Seriously?
Have you ever stopped and just stared at a picture of an 8-ton elephant for 10 seconds? Try it right now.
Thing is goddamn ginormous. Like, really, really big. Its ears are flappy and huge, it has giant white tusks, and the cherry on top: because it has no hands or fingers, it has a long-ass...
Sitting On Santa's Lap.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Walk into the nearest mall and somewhere towards the middle, in a big open space, you’ll see dozens of children standing in a line. They’re all waiting for one thing: to sit down in the lap of a big, plump, jolly, white-bearded old man wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, a red furry hat, glasses and boots, who may or may not be a...
Napkins & Tissues.
I might be alone in this one. But think about it.
We use thin, barely-even-there slices of soft, absorbent, disposable, dyed-white processed tree to wipe off ketchup, grease and other schmutz from our faces and hands, or catch boogers and snot from our nose.
Wouldn’t a tree be pissed if he found out he was cut down for one of those shitty purposes?
Because, fuck.
If I were a tree,...
The Human Population.
In case you saw or read literally no news this fall, earth just welcomed its 7 billionth person.
That’s right. Holy fucking hell is exactly right.
To put things into perspective: Every second, 5 people are born and 2 die. That means 3 extra people are added to earth every single second. Which means 180 every minute. 10,800 every hour. 259,200 every day. 7,776,000 every month. 94,608,000...
Restaurants.
We actually pay for people to gather raw food materials together, cook them up in unique and delicious ways, then physically bring them to us at a table and chairs set up in a building outside our own home. And when we’re done, they take our dirty dishes and wash them.
We literally have to do fucking nothing except give them a credit card in exchange for the pleasure of sitting there and...
Subways.
We pay over $2 for a flimsy card allowing us the privilege of stepping off a platform and into a big rectangular container with metal wheels sitting on iron rails connected to other big rectangular containers with metal wheels. The doors slide shut and the box lurches forward, through dark tunnels and screeching turns. A few minutes later, the box stops, the doors slide open, we step out onto a...
Smell.
What in the fuck is going on here? What is this human experience we are all born with?
This longish, dual-holed thing sticking out the middle of our head can actually suck in molecules and perceive their odors? Why are some pleasurable—like perfume, puppies and Italian restaurants—while others are intolerable—like diarrhea, cabdrivers and Chinatown?
And when we smell something from a long...