Know What's Fucking Crazy?

Really Cute Animals.

My girlfriend played me this video yesterday. It’s almost 7 minutes of absurdly cute animals being absurdly cute for almost 7 minutes.

We watched the entire fucking thing.

The whole time I’m thinking: what is this overwhelming feeling inside me? Why are human beings built like this? What kind of crazy hardwiring were we given? Am I having a stroke? Why do we get this inexplicable urge to want to hold and pet and tickle and smother and love and eat these tiny, helpless creatures? 

I MEAN, SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST. LOOK AT THAT MOTHERFUCKING PIGLET.

February.

I’m not an idiot. I realize there must be a reason February only has 28 days (and 29 in leap years. Um. What?) while all the other months get 30 or 31, but seriously. Come the fuck on.

28?

Fucking why?

Why 28? Why can’t we just take a day from January or that cold, rainy piece of shit March? They both have 31. Take one from each of those fucks. Then they’ll each have 30.

And then February won’t be such a goddamn weirdo.

Glass.

Fuckingggggggg Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiist.

If you’ve never seen glass being made, then you’re seriously missing out on some crazy shit. I’m talking pure, certifiably fucking insane, borderline magic: First you take grains of sand and melt them down to form a hot-as-fuck pool of liquid magma. Then you shove in and remove a long hollow rod and blow into it to create the shape of cups, bowls and all sorts of other objects we use daily and don’t think about at all, ever. Then you let it cool. It’s like freezing a motherfucking moment in time.

I want to meet the ancient, crazy son of a bitch who came up with that shit for the first time.

Then I want to shake his hand.

Then i want to cheers him with a glass cup.

Then I want to talk to him about the Pharaohs.

Birds.

Holy fucking God.

Have you ever just stopped and looked at a bird?

Ever stared into its tiny eyes and realized this motherfucker can magically use its body parts to launch through the air and go wherever it wants, hundreds of miles away, while almost every other animal on earth has to walk, run or swim the same distance? Ever been stuck in rush hour traffic and seen a pigeon swooping overhead?

Fuck you, birds. That shit’s not fair.

And to be quite honest, it’s kind of selfish and fucked up.

Meteorites.

Last week, a meteorite almost hit earth. Fragments of it scattered over parts of Russia and burned up in the atmosphere. They have video of it. It’s fucking insane.

Dude. Am I crazy? Meteorites are like, completely batshit nuts. Gigantic chunks of errant rock just hurtling through space at hundreds of thousands of miles an hour? And there’s nothing we can do about it if one of these things decides to get all Deep Impact on us? Are you fucking kidding me??

I don’t mean to kill the party, but… fuck.

Dog Shows.

Aw HELL no.

Y’all must be losing your fucking minds with this shit.

Every year, we parade a bunch of hairy animals with brains the size of clementines around grand arenas to “compete” against each other. A judge watches them trot, checks their teeth, their coat, legs and genitals, and then, somehow, gives a blue ribbon to the “best one.”

Fucking what?

Is this thing on?

The Harlem Shake Meme.

Holy fucking fuck.

Excuse me while I go gouge my motherfucking eyes out before my brain explodes.

Automatic Hand Dryers.

When I’m done peeing or pooing in a public bathroom, after I wash my hands by pressing down several times on the gross faucet with pubes on it that spurts out water for about 2.8 seconds at a time, I’ll usually finish things off with a quick stroll over to the automatic hand dryer where I mentally prepare myself to have my mind fucking blown.

Like, what the fuck is this thing? How does is know my hands are there?

I just shove them in its general lower snout direction and out of nowhere by some form of sensor fucking magic the thing blasts hot air on top of my hands for as long as I want. And when I take my hands away, it stops. Immediately!

FUCK.

Commercials.

Alright. Be cool, everyone. Let’s just take a collective breath and talk this one out nice and slow.

In the modern world we all inhabit, we’re surrounded by products made by companies. Many of these products have become brands: things that are part of our lives that we have opinions about and rely on. To keep us using these brands, the companies who sell them need to constantly shove them in front of our face.

So what do they do?

They pay an advertising agency tens, hundreds of thousands, millions, even tens of millions of dollars to create 30 or 60-second, sound-and-moving-picture-having pieces of persuasive communication to get us to trust, like and ultimately buy their brand.

Then they pay a television network for the privilege of wedging these pieces of communication right the fuck into the middle of the programs we watch, thrusting them out of a digital box made in China, into our living rooms and into our brains. Except when we get up to go pee.

The end.

Oral Sex.

Yeah, sex is pretty fucking crazy. But using your mouth in a specific way to bring pleasure to another person’s genitals?

That’s just fucking nuts.

Sucking on a big, veiny cock? Getting a whole mouthful of labia, clitoris and pubic hair? What in the fuck is that all about? 

Neither of those things serve any evolutionary purpose at all. They just feel good. So we do them to each other. Which is crazy.

Sex.

Whoa.

How in fuck’s sake did we go this long without talking about the single most insane thing in the history of the entire motherfucking universe?

We’ve talked about orgasms, pregnancy and masturbation, but we’ve never talked about the motherload of all these things. The apex of the whole evolutionary psychologic and people-perpetuating hierarchy: sex.

I think I speak for the entirety of humanity—past, present and future—when I say the want, need and act of this simple, intimate, penis-to-vagina-or-asshole interaction is certifiably batshit fucking crazy.

Cancer.

A big-hearted man named Mike Hughes, whose career inspired me to get into the same line of work as him, is in the final days of his life. Barring any miracles, doctors estimate his cancer will kill him any day now. He’s been gracefully documenting this final journey here.

Cancer is a scary motherfucker, man. It’s this twisted, sinister mass of abnormal cells inside our bodies, dividing quickly and without control, invading our tissues, spreading into others, killing us from the inside out. 

It doesn’t have a brain or an agenda. It’s not trying to fuck us over. It’s not evil. It just is.

And that’s just a whole lot of fucking sad.

Cooking.

We’ve taken it for granted for 20,000 years or so at this point, but how is it that combining edible ingredients together and heating them up on top of stoves and grills and inside ovens makes them so much tastier and more edible?

How fucking insane is that? You can make food out of almost anything just by fucking heating that shit up! 

Cooking is the entire reason we can eat animals, for Christ sake. Ever try eating a raw chicken breast without throwing it on the stove first? That shit will fuck up your whole week.

Does anyone else realize how fucking absurd this all is?

Pockets.

Dude. What?

Fucking little cloth bags built into the sides and back of our pants and jackets? And we use these little bags to hold our wallets, cellphones, spare change and whatever the fuck else we need to hang onto wherever we go?

Dude. What?

The Radio.

Like, holy balls. The concept of the radio is super fucking absurd.

In various buildings around the world, people talk about issues into microphones or press play on musical tracks, and somehow, some way, these sounds magically float through the motherfucking air and come out of a little, plastic box hanging off my shower caddy when I press the power button.

How in the electromagnetic fuck did human beings figure out how to make that shit possible?